orkut crush list

Had a lot to study through out the day. as if that was not enough, had a lot of pondering to do with regard to the relationships between the people around me. that story comes later. Just to refresh myself I thought of surfing internet. out of bad habit, I ended up going to orkut. Now I dont know what happened and why it happened, I just went ahead and added a few friends on whom I had had a crush to my crush list. Just no reason, I don't know why. So I went ahead and added thenm to that list. when i went back to my gmail inbox, i was #6(&*! to find a mail from orkut, showing that one of them had also added me to their crush list. the sad part is that she is one with whom i had the least contact. I talk and keep in touch with many of the others in the group, but not much with her. not quite sure but maybe she is the GF of one of my really good friends (although not quite sure about that).
Whatever being the case, what crazy things keep happening in this life.

Jobless

Just one of those days when the whole world conspires to tell you that how jobless you are. I have been sending in mails after mails since yesterday, hoping that some one would pick me up for summer internship, but alas such is the fortune that I haven't received any reply till now.
And just as I go through this, for the first time in a long time I find that none of my contacts (200+) in my gtalk are online. Everyone is busy with their work (or whatever) and I am the only dumbo with nothing to do and so I am online sending in applications which I dunno is having any effect or not. (except for the one that it is having on my psychology. :P )

The awakening

thanks to information from Rahul now i signed up for Jagriti Yatra. He is on the trip and I seriously hope that I am able to make it too. Hope I get a sponsor soon.

new house

hey i just moved into a new house. it is really exciting. left the lodging where i was putting up till now. this is a huge flat which i will be sharing with 5 others who are in the same college as me. Hope to have the pics up soon. It is exciting to have a home of your home isnt it.. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

we be blogging again....

havent been blogging frequently as i used to. Just found out that gul started blogging again. well it was just once that i chanced to visit her blog and it was then that i decided to blog again and so i started this blog. she had stopped blogging once and for all and even hid her blog. Now just read a couple of her new posts and again it has revived in me the spirit to blog. so i will make more of an effort to blog from now on.

22 years of being worthless

My blog now knows that our relationship is also of formalities. Only when there is an occasion is it going to happen that junat will turn up and log in and write a post. Ok so what is the occasion today? Well, it is Tanuj's birthday today. Its been 22 years since a disaster happened on this third rock from the sun. As usual, today, I do something that I should have made a practice of doing on a regular basis. I introspect on the time gone by. what is it? 22 years of being worthless. I just don't know what I am doing? I know I have not achieved a thing. All I have is all I was given. All that I do is condole myself that there is a reason why i am here. I say to myself that I am here for some purpose. that I have a guiding star that will take me to some where I will have something significant to contribute. I has been so and every year on this day all I say to my self is that it will happen. I would never say that my life has been a waste. I have learnt a lot but never put all that I learned into use. I always learned but what i never learned was how to perform. my life never allowed me to be just another face in the crowd. I always had the option of being at the top but I always chose the bottom, giving reasons that required a lot of character which i always lacked. I was not only a day dreamer but a person who always refused to wake up. My di always made me realize that there was an important stage of my life at every point of time but I just never cared and I know I never will. So just forget me now as I never existed just as you would when I wouldn't.

land of my dreams

The moment ended three centuries of British colonial rule. The land was no longer the summer retreat of British sahibs who fancied spices, shikar, elephants and snake-charmers. World came to know of a nation which it couldn't image can exist.

Independence was also the end of nearly a century of struggle for freedom, battles, betrayals and sacrifices. It also created a situation where we were responsible for ourselves. The struggle for freedom lives on in history books and memoirs, and on the tombstones of valiant martyrs. Politics has undergone a personality change from fiery idealism to a pragmatic cynicism.

Though every day is a day of festivity in this crazy country of ours, but this is a day when all come together and instead of saying hi, hello and good morning, we say JAI HIND. We all forget our daily troubles and take pride in singing the national anthem in front of the waving flag. All people I met today were dressed colourfullly and met with a unique sense of joy. Every vehicle I saw had the tricoloured flag leading its path. It is a great feeling to know that there is a bunch of more than a billion people that shares a same feeling as you do.



Every party has a hangover, let us have a big party today and make sure that the hangover lasts for a lifetime. Let this sense of belonging remain with you every moment. Just believe that your belief is supported by a billion people. There is no power in this world that can stop us.



We live in an Independent India and but this nation needs to be free of many a things that the colonial period brought with it. Though you might find some people who keep shouting about what we have not achieved in the past 6 decades but there are many who have worked together for that period and there are many working today and many will work for the years to come. And believe me we have actually achieved astonishing heights. There is a very small lot that is a little ill ( remember Munnabhai ki gandhigiri), so let us pray to god for their proper health and join the lot of healthy people. It might be just once in eternity that we might get the previledge to call ourselves INDIANS, so why not make the most out of it.



JAI HIND..

Welcome to xiss

hello Folks,
well I am in this small city which i believe upgraded from its town status when it became the capital of Jharkhand. For the course that i pursue at XISS, I have to spend two years here. the classes at college started middle of the last month. It has been a good time till now. the college doesnt have a residential hostel for guys, so we all have to manage somehow for the next two years. the good thing is that the course ends in march 2010, so that is less than two years.
The college looks decent for a college, but it is supposedly called a b-school. thus i prefer calling it college rather than an institute. To start of with we had an induction program of three days. The profs. are good though what is in store only time will tell. Our seniors are not back yet from their summer internships and so there is nothing on which to base our opinions. we are more or less stuffed in a small classroom. we are told that by next week we will have a larger classroom to sit in. our class strength too is pretty huge. there are 81 students in our class. The infrastructure ain't all that great, I would say. We are said that there is a football ground for guys and gals can play basketball. the common room is like i have never seen before. it has a couple of couches and a table. yeah we all are surely gonna turn into corporates here :grin: . Something very special for us would be the fact that we would be coming to college wearing a uniform. Good idea considering the dressing sense of the class. I mean I am not the most decent dressed person, but then I do keep my hairs short, dont wear denims hanging on my hips, that too with a pair of floaters. I mean I think I do have some sense of being presentable. BTW we are having personality grooming classes here. Our H.O.D. is a pretty dynamic person. Not to say of other persons. He is a painter and singer and has keen interest in poetry (the last thing is my observation).
We are told we will be required to do some social work as part of the culture of this institute. we will be engaged in teaching children in schools for two hours a day in the afternoon. Surprisingly we are gonna have less than 4 hours of classes daily. Sounds interesting!! I think not.
I know it is too early to form an opinion, but this place is like school where I don't think there will be pressure on students as is generally found in schools.
lets wait and see what the future holds...

My partner in crime

The last post was about my parents, and this one is about the lifeline of our family. My sibling, friend, guide or my second mother, my didi, my elder sister. It is great to have an elder sister. My friends say that it is great to have elder brothers. But from my experience I can say that it has been a pleasure having an elder sister. She is the most understanding person that I have ever met. I always idolized her and tried to be like her, just like all younger siblings do. But then she never really got frustrated but very smartly negotiated me. She had a very good way of handling me, she would get out the things out of me but then she had good control over the way I think and act. Just like all small siblings I wanted to be with her and observe her. But she smartly allowed me to be in midst her friends and made me realize that I didn’t have the same intellect as a her group of friends had and in a subtle manner made me realize that I couldn’t enjoy being there. Though there is something special that I always realized (which I don’t know how she does) that all her friends always pampered me. Many a times I felt that I am too young to her. There was occasions when I thought that she was alone needing someone who could understand her point of view. I always felt inadequate to instill her confidence in my ability to understand things. It was a lesson I learnt that kids can’t understand certain things. Every kid thinks that elders are for no reason underestimating their ability to understand. But I was always left feeling that I can’t understand things and so I am unable to do anything for her. But then she is such a fighter that she always comes out of anything on her own. So the smile on her face never perishes for long. The worst days of my life have always been when I in some way had hurt her feelings. I can hardly bear her being mad at me for any reason. Of course, there have been many a moments in life where she has put utmost trust in me and many a times I have shamelessly let her down in a big way. But then she has always been there as the rock to lean on, the pillar to support my dreams, the window that always opens to the beautiful world outside, the couch that always gives me comfort. All in all she is the house that shelters me from all the rains, storms, tornados, tsunamis and what not…

Many a times I feel bad for being such a bugger. I always feel so fortunate to know such a person, let alone the fact that she cares so much for me.

Just like old wine our relationship kept on becoming better with time. The last year has been the most special one. In the last one year this relationship developed into a two way affair. I realized that I too could stand up for her. I saw her putting more trust in my understanding of things; I could observe her from closer quarters. I better understand what she desires and how I can be part of the fulfillment of her dreams.

I can’t ever imagine not being there when she wants me to be there. I don’t have a great deal of really close friends because I have a part of me always dedicated to her. I might also blame her for me not having a girlfriend, because looking at her I know what a woman with substance is and so I got caught in a vicious circle wherein I set the bar at a very high level and then always found myself inadequate to match someone of that level.

It was a great period for me when I was living with her in her home. I always wanted to spend loads of time with her and I did it during that period. Though she was very busy but still it was great fun never the less. Frankly for her younger sibling it was a dream come true that there was a great deal of understanding that was developing. Apart from she taking care of me, there was something that I felt I could do for her.

I don’t know when I will be meeting her next, but I just hope that I can be with her whenever she feels the need for someone. Another irony, I was always there with her when I knew I couldn’t do anything, and I now wouldn’t be there when I know I can do something for her.

My folks

All my life (past couple of years to be precise) I have been looking to get out of my home. Student life had become very boring. More so staying with my parents was becoming monotonous. I had always had the problem of not being able to gain trust of my parents for the plain and simple reason that I didn’t have to much to do to prove myself. And there were not many avenues for me show them that I had become mature and could care for myself. So there had always been a want of liberation. I didn’t like that other’s life (my parents) is revolving around me. I am just too small a being to call for such resources. So I finally am moving out to study and it is a great feeling. The final few days were a little awkward though. No matter how logically correct it might be it feels a bit difficult to leave my parents alone and move out. I now understand how hard it would have been for my sister when she did the same quite some time ago. There were other things like self confidence and other personal emotions that generally get importance. But this is an aspect that is hitting me the most. The lives of our parents have always revolved around us. Even if it was something like watching movies or going shopping or eat out, it was more for our pleasure than theirs. Now with my sister already out and me leaving the city and going out on my way, what will really give them a reason to go to places and take the pleasures of life. This thing kept bothering me for a long time and finally had a talk about this with my mother. She said that the fact that we were happy is what gave them happiness. And I asked what about the time when we would go out to leave our lives. Well that is the way life is what she says. That is the cycle of life. Well I beg to differ. There are so many elderly people out there who like taking pleasures of what the new world has to offer. So why is there is just a sense of responsibility in every action of theirs. They are responsible to keep us happy and so they just think about us. She says that they too enjoy the outings that they have with us. Then why it is only my places of my choice that we go. Why we eat what I like. Doesn’t it seem to be like they are doing these things because they want me to feel happy and they just go about it as a responsibility? This thing stuck to me when even I saw that when I visited my sister and she too had developed such a psyche. I have been pampered all my life by my parents, my sister, friends of my sister, my cousins, my teachers, my uncle & aunts etc. the list just goes on and on and may include almost 95% of people I have met on this planet. What I find so interesting is that I have been a person who doesn’t want to bother others in any manner. So I constantly observe other people doing things for me and keep wishing that they didn’t take all that trouble. But unfortunately I keep finding people doing that. And so naturally I want my parents to look after their own life and start enjoying because they want to, instead of taking joy in my well being. It is such an irony again that I generally don’t find myself being happy in material things. Not many are able to please with a gift that they bring for me. It is generally taken as a formality by me. I haven’t ever learned how to enjoy eating in a restaurant or roaming about a new mall that opens up in a city. So I am a perfect mismatch for the caring nature of my parents. I always feel that they could have contributed a lot to the society by their services than they devoted in bringing up a useless fellow like me. Now I am annoyed by the fact that they will keep thinking about me wherever I go. And I know that this is going to happen because I have seen that how they always keep thinking about my sister since she moved out. I don’t know how she thinks and for some strange reason I can’t ever say a thing to her about this feeling I have. Ours being a very close family it feels really strange as this day comes. Just a family of four that needs three different places to stay. Laugh on Tanuj… If you don’t laugh on the ways of life then you didn’t get the joke.