My partner in crime

The last post was about my parents, and this one is about the lifeline of our family. My sibling, friend, guide or my second mother, my didi, my elder sister. It is great to have an elder sister. My friends say that it is great to have elder brothers. But from my experience I can say that it has been a pleasure having an elder sister. She is the most understanding person that I have ever met. I always idolized her and tried to be like her, just like all younger siblings do. But then she never really got frustrated but very smartly negotiated me. She had a very good way of handling me, she would get out the things out of me but then she had good control over the way I think and act. Just like all small siblings I wanted to be with her and observe her. But she smartly allowed me to be in midst her friends and made me realize that I didn’t have the same intellect as a her group of friends had and in a subtle manner made me realize that I couldn’t enjoy being there. Though there is something special that I always realized (which I don’t know how she does) that all her friends always pampered me. Many a times I felt that I am too young to her. There was occasions when I thought that she was alone needing someone who could understand her point of view. I always felt inadequate to instill her confidence in my ability to understand things. It was a lesson I learnt that kids can’t understand certain things. Every kid thinks that elders are for no reason underestimating their ability to understand. But I was always left feeling that I can’t understand things and so I am unable to do anything for her. But then she is such a fighter that she always comes out of anything on her own. So the smile on her face never perishes for long. The worst days of my life have always been when I in some way had hurt her feelings. I can hardly bear her being mad at me for any reason. Of course, there have been many a moments in life where she has put utmost trust in me and many a times I have shamelessly let her down in a big way. But then she has always been there as the rock to lean on, the pillar to support my dreams, the window that always opens to the beautiful world outside, the couch that always gives me comfort. All in all she is the house that shelters me from all the rains, storms, tornados, tsunamis and what not…

Many a times I feel bad for being such a bugger. I always feel so fortunate to know such a person, let alone the fact that she cares so much for me.

Just like old wine our relationship kept on becoming better with time. The last year has been the most special one. In the last one year this relationship developed into a two way affair. I realized that I too could stand up for her. I saw her putting more trust in my understanding of things; I could observe her from closer quarters. I better understand what she desires and how I can be part of the fulfillment of her dreams.

I can’t ever imagine not being there when she wants me to be there. I don’t have a great deal of really close friends because I have a part of me always dedicated to her. I might also blame her for me not having a girlfriend, because looking at her I know what a woman with substance is and so I got caught in a vicious circle wherein I set the bar at a very high level and then always found myself inadequate to match someone of that level.

It was a great period for me when I was living with her in her home. I always wanted to spend loads of time with her and I did it during that period. Though she was very busy but still it was great fun never the less. Frankly for her younger sibling it was a dream come true that there was a great deal of understanding that was developing. Apart from she taking care of me, there was something that I felt I could do for her.

I don’t know when I will be meeting her next, but I just hope that I can be with her whenever she feels the need for someone. Another irony, I was always there with her when I knew I couldn’t do anything, and I now wouldn’t be there when I know I can do something for her.

My folks

All my life (past couple of years to be precise) I have been looking to get out of my home. Student life had become very boring. More so staying with my parents was becoming monotonous. I had always had the problem of not being able to gain trust of my parents for the plain and simple reason that I didn’t have to much to do to prove myself. And there were not many avenues for me show them that I had become mature and could care for myself. So there had always been a want of liberation. I didn’t like that other’s life (my parents) is revolving around me. I am just too small a being to call for such resources. So I finally am moving out to study and it is a great feeling. The final few days were a little awkward though. No matter how logically correct it might be it feels a bit difficult to leave my parents alone and move out. I now understand how hard it would have been for my sister when she did the same quite some time ago. There were other things like self confidence and other personal emotions that generally get importance. But this is an aspect that is hitting me the most. The lives of our parents have always revolved around us. Even if it was something like watching movies or going shopping or eat out, it was more for our pleasure than theirs. Now with my sister already out and me leaving the city and going out on my way, what will really give them a reason to go to places and take the pleasures of life. This thing kept bothering me for a long time and finally had a talk about this with my mother. She said that the fact that we were happy is what gave them happiness. And I asked what about the time when we would go out to leave our lives. Well that is the way life is what she says. That is the cycle of life. Well I beg to differ. There are so many elderly people out there who like taking pleasures of what the new world has to offer. So why is there is just a sense of responsibility in every action of theirs. They are responsible to keep us happy and so they just think about us. She says that they too enjoy the outings that they have with us. Then why it is only my places of my choice that we go. Why we eat what I like. Doesn’t it seem to be like they are doing these things because they want me to feel happy and they just go about it as a responsibility? This thing stuck to me when even I saw that when I visited my sister and she too had developed such a psyche. I have been pampered all my life by my parents, my sister, friends of my sister, my cousins, my teachers, my uncle & aunts etc. the list just goes on and on and may include almost 95% of people I have met on this planet. What I find so interesting is that I have been a person who doesn’t want to bother others in any manner. So I constantly observe other people doing things for me and keep wishing that they didn’t take all that trouble. But unfortunately I keep finding people doing that. And so naturally I want my parents to look after their own life and start enjoying because they want to, instead of taking joy in my well being. It is such an irony again that I generally don’t find myself being happy in material things. Not many are able to please with a gift that they bring for me. It is generally taken as a formality by me. I haven’t ever learned how to enjoy eating in a restaurant or roaming about a new mall that opens up in a city. So I am a perfect mismatch for the caring nature of my parents. I always feel that they could have contributed a lot to the society by their services than they devoted in bringing up a useless fellow like me. Now I am annoyed by the fact that they will keep thinking about me wherever I go. And I know that this is going to happen because I have seen that how they always keep thinking about my sister since she moved out. I don’t know how she thinks and for some strange reason I can’t ever say a thing to her about this feeling I have. Ours being a very close family it feels really strange as this day comes. Just a family of four that needs three different places to stay. Laugh on Tanuj… If you don’t laugh on the ways of life then you didn’t get the joke.